Urgh. Don’t ask me why anyone would want to wear this in the name of fashion, but Eric Klarenbeek, a dutch designer, has put eye jewellery on the map. The map of what exactly, I don’t know, but should feel the need to accessorize your eyes you can attach a crystal-like shape which hangs from an invisible wire from a prescription or dummy lense which glimmers and looks from a distance like you’re crying.

The designer says: “You can’t feel the wire dangling, it doesn’t affect your sight and the lens moves along gently with your eyeball, even while blinking. It started out as an experiment but I decided to put it into production when I got positive feedback from wearers.”

Either Eric is in dire need of the publicity, or this is his idea of a pseudo-ironic postmodern jibe at consumer society. Surely, surely, surely Mr Klarenbeek can put his creativity to better use. I can just about see the appeal of coloured contact lenses or gimmicky cats’ eye lenses for fancy dress, but eyeball jewellery is pushing it. Even though EK maintains they are “perfectly safe”, why anyone would want to accessorize their eyeball is beyond me.

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My luck is in - the word on the street is that jewellery is big and back. It has gone super sized, which means that as of this moment, I am in fashion!

flickr © theogeo

Small, petite, delicate jewellery has never suited me and for years all my jewellery has been described as chunky. If I wear a ring, it’s huge, if it’s a bracelet it’s a clod hopping bangle. Earrings are several inches long and necklaces make me stoop a little bit. I tend to shy away from wearing them all at once though.

I find myself going through quarterly changes when it comes to jewellery. Every three months I go on the rampage for earrings. The next quarter I’m obsessed by bracelets, and then I widen the search to find accompanying beaded handbags and vintage handbags to match my jewellery acquisitions. The result is an overflowing jewellery box, meaning that when I put my hand in to retrieve my recent set of dangly butterfly earrings, they are attached to every other pair I have ever bought. It takes me hours to unpick them all and the chances of me ever finding a matching pair are pretty slim.

I’ve tried to organise my collection by investing in an earring tree. It’s shaped like a woman wearing jeans and a black top and her head is replaced with metal spikes the have loops for you to hang your earrings from. It’s a fantastic invention that makes the storage of your chandeliers much easier to cope with. Now I just need a gigantic version of the same on which to hang my huge wooden bangles and the necklaces I have accumulated over the years that are the length of bicycle chains.

So to be in fashion from now until Christmas, invest in some statement necklaces, wear in excess of three chunky bangles on each wrist and earrings so big they could perch a parrot on. Not forgetting of course, that as the size of your jewellery goes up, your beaded handbags – in fact all handbags – must be as small as you get them. Perhaps you could get a vintage handbag from a borrower and a necklace from a giant and then you would be set.

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